I'm not going anywhere even though i want to.

I felt horrible for what i out my friends through they were all so heart broken when i was in the hospital i got all this love. which is amazing but so confusing when you don’t think people care. but it meant a lot when i got out of the hospital i thought things would be different. i had changed i had gotten through one of the hardest times in my life. but then people started to change. Cause they didn’t realize that i was a different person now. i was in the psych ward,im on anti depressants, i cant own a gun for five years, I AM MENTALLY ILL, i have to go to classes for people who are mentally ill. its a shock i know but im not crazy and im so much different now but they haven’t even given me a chance, yes i do different things, i talk about different things. but im trying to learn how to really love people unconditionally now and let people truly love me. but i feel like people hate the new me. well it doesn’t  bother me i mean my pills don’t let it. all i want is a chance but im really truly learning who my real friends are and all i want is people to be loved!!

:(

I cant believe i actually like him?? or do i just like the thought of him?if all other guys weren’t such pigs i wouldn’t be so interested! God lead me!

Wow where the fuck are my friends! Holy shit I am fuming mad I’m about to bitch out the next person who fucking gets mad at me I think I’ll just fucking talk to my mentally ill friends yeah would that make you all happy!

Everyone thinks im happy now :) well good for them I’ve gotten good at tricking people, and i don’t really like attention anymore. i suffer quietly :) one day it will happen one day ill be killed the day I’ve been waiting for to be reunited with the only person who has givin a shit about me! The only person who really knows where my pain comes from the deep dark secrets no one with ever know. im not worthy to be love I’m not worthy to have children I’m not worthy of anything and i know that now. I’ll get skinny to please every one :) I’m such a thoughtful person i just don’t wanna be too heavy for the paramedics to pick me up. No one cares when you try to kill yourself especially a 20 year old fat ass ugly bitch who cant get some one to save her life, who cant make anyone happy, who only pisses off and annoys people. But they still tolerate her because of a girl named sequoia who everyone calls Quoia the bright shining star the perfect child the one who got good grades, ya know every one LOVES her i swear if something happened to her it would be the end of this world i love her with all my heart just like everyone else but i know she doesn’t really care about me she says she does she loved it when i was always paying for her and stuff but ya see now i have no money i was the girl who had to pay for her clothes and food and everything if i wanted to go out and be normal so now i have no money no car no job nothing I’m gonna find a way to get out of here if its the last thing i do. but i wont let anyone know I’m depressed its gonna come out of no where and every one i know who pretended to be my friend and love me who actually just cared about my sister can watch me bleed open they can watch me lay in my casket no more having to make aspen happy I’m out of your way for good! :) happy now!

I want to slit my wrists so bad a let all the blood in my boody drain out i want to feel all the pain leave my body so i never have to feel pain again i want to be in heaven. I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE!

What do you do when everyone loves your sister and tolerates you?

I hate cancer i absolutely hate it. i hate seeing them go through this. it breaks my heart each and every day.  I love these kids and ive only worked with them for  7 weeks!